Dear Mom –
How do I start this letter that I have wanted to write for so many years? The therapist in myself has tried to tell me to write it since I was a teenager, but I just have not been able to. I miss you so very much. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about you. I often wonder how different my life would be if you were still here, if HD hadn’t taken you from us over 30 years ago.
Today, you would have been 80 years old. Dad is 82. I often imagine the kind of grandma you would have been to my kids. I tell them about you as often as I can, and about grandma Sally too. I feel like I didn’t know you well because you were sick by the time I was 10 years old, probably earlier, and died when I was 13 years old, when I wanted a mom most. I feel guilt for not having a lot of memories of you. I’m sure you have been watching from above so you know we are all good and that I have had several women in my life that have stepped in at just the right time. I feel you close to me often, like there is a thin veil separating my world from you in heaven. There are times when I feel like you are standing right beside me.
There are so many things I wish I could tell you and often do in my thoughts or when I’m alone. Do you hear me? I talk with the kids about you as often as I can. I want them to know you. My memories are few, so I share what I can. It’s funny what sticks out in my mind. I often read about and hear how few things children remember, I know it’s true because I have very few memories from before I was 10 years old. What I do remember….that you loved to cook and that we enjoyed family meals together. I remember that you liked to host holidays for our family, maybe that is why I love to as well. I love to have everyone home and together, I would guess that you did too. I remember going to Maple Lake, on Sunday, after church and getting donuts at Hugo’s. I also remember that you hated the water and that we had to take swimming lessons, in the cold, outside at the EGF pool. I remember that you were in card club and that you still enjoyed playing cards even after you were sick. I remember staying with you at auntie Wanda’s during the flood of 1979 and many trips to see Uncle Chuck and Auntie Carol in Austin.
Today is your birthday. What a celebration it would have been if you were still with us. I miss you always, some days more than others. We brought Autumn home from the hospital on Mother’s Day 2004, I think that was the day I missed you most. I believe you are holding and loving on our heavenly babies. I can’t wait to meet them one day when God calls me home. I imagine them playing in a place more beautiful than anything we know here on earth. I imagine you, Lisa, Sr. Imelda and all of our grandparents doting on them and I would bet Lisa is screeching sometimes too.
Mom, I know God has a plan and I have no regrets for where we are or what has happened in my life. That doesn’t make me miss you any less. I know you are here with us. I hope you are proud of your grandchildren and great grandchildren, they are all amazing! Happy 80th Birthday Mom! I can only imagine the celebration you will have today. I love you and miss you.